Written by Deborah Kantor
After the birth of my son, I discovered that not only did I have chronic depression, but that I also had suicidal tendencies. I had always known about my mental illness but never considered it to be a burden or something that I needed to look after until the night I wanted to end my life in October 2015.
It turned out that that night, which I thought was the worst night of my life, ended up being the best thing that has ever happened to me, it forced me to live and be mindful about the state of my life. Clearly there were aspects that were pulling me apart, something was telling me that I wasn’t being true to myself, and as a result I became mentally, spiritually and physically ill.
The healing path is a painful one, my husband had a heart-breaking childhood and had never recovered, he ended up having to process his anguish as an adult so he could move on from it, heal and be a full person.
For myself, my depression and anxiety has affected my whole life too, my relationships and my choices and I thought it was in control.
I became physically ill, developed an allergy to every food and couldn’t digest anything, for my friends and family who remember this time- I was constantly covered in a green murky cloud of fart. Apologizing profusely, rolling open the window became my thing, as did becoming an expert in all types of food allergies, one week it was gluten intolerance, the next it was a soy allergy and then a fructose allergy. In the end I realized it wasn’t an allergy to food I was having; it was an allergy to stress.
I became spiritually ill, I could not see in front of me, I felt numb, dead inside and that my soul was attached to a kite outside my body and the kite was covered by a cloud, I could not see it but I could sense it was out of me, far away and I had later found out that what I was going through was soul loss.
I was mentally ill, I had depression my whole life and it had never been dealt with, it became worse and my handle on it became weaker, it gained so much strength that without me even realizing, it took over.
I’ve been to spiritual healers, shamans, sound healers, psychologists, support groups, doctors you name it and what I learnt was this – they all helped. They all allowed me to process in different ways what I couldn’t process as a child. I’m now at the stage where I can take responsibility for my own mental health and well-being the way I know how, through creativity and by constantly taking a look at how I am feeling, so that I can self-process daily.
I’ve had a lot of revelations since starting my healing journey, I’ve been thrown onto my path in ways that have taught me lessons through the most personal intimate ways, it has made me believe in something greater than me, it’s made me realize magic is real and the world is magical and I and everyone in it are magical beings with more than just the five senses.
I am not completely healed; I am in healing mode and on the path to healing fully. It is a culmination of peeling back the layers and ready to receive whatever comes out with open arms and love. Be gentle with yourself, be patient with the lessons you will learn and be open to receiving them.