I have never been able to let go in front of people, and the idea of kundalini and shakti awakening through dance scares the shit out of me and makes me nauseated. I also feel a deep awe for the fearless people who put themselves through this and really let go, I’ve seen them, It’s not me but I wish it was. I wish I could be that free.
Even in my own privacy I could not be that free, someone must be watching me through the crack in the window, somehow my phone is recording everything I’m doing and it’s live streaming or face timing my work colleagues and everyone from high school, including all my exes.
In one of my assignments for Shamanic studies, I merge with my Spirit Animal through dance, this brings us closer to each other, builds a solid foundation and trust, making the relationship strong and supportive.
As I started to dance and merge w my Spirit animal; the Grey Wolf who is usually male; I quickly realised – that He was now a She.
The grey wolf morphed into a beautiful fluffy white female wolf and she looked at me with this incredible inner strength, stamina and compassion and without a word, she jumped right into me.
I let her in, she felt her way through my body and I stood up and began to move, it felt very curious and freeing, I entered the Shamanic state and started to dance and let her take over.
Then, as the dance and the Shamanic state deepened; something started to happened to me that I have never experienced before but had always wanted to – I LET GO.
You know that feeling from your 20’s where you had mdma at a party and you danced your ass off? You felt like you were top shit and you were hotter than you’ve ever been in your life and all eyes were on you?
You were dancing like you invented the thing and everyone thought you were magic as fuck.
That image flew into my mind briefly as I realised what was happening to my body, It flew in to tell me, yes that WAS bullshit and yes this IS the real deal.
I didn’t care who was watching (but luckily nobody was) and my body let go of all the traps and blockages and stop signs, she let me experience true wild womanhood.
My body amazed me, she moved without the thoughts and restraints that I usually attach to it, She was completely wild and free, She danced in such happy chaos, I enjoyed my body without wondering how it looked. I was the woman who dances w the wolves and mannn! could she dance.
I laughed like a crazy person every time these wild moves came, it was visceral and animalistic and came in waves, Beyonce wishes she had these moves. As soon as the wolf jumped in I was lighter and my body became flexy, my hair went crazy and flew around all over the place and my body shook w the beat.
At one stage my womb area was the centre of attention and all the moves were coming from there, my head tilted back and I remembered how the wolf howls me up to the Upper World, every move felt Afro/ Indian inspired which I always do alone but this added in some wild moves that were very energetic, fast and womanly, I didn’t expect this and I laughed the whole time, sometimes I took it seriously when there were moves that were so amazing (to me) and I remember thinking how is this possible? Am I going to remember these moves? God I hope so.
I asked one of my Shamanic teacher’s later about our Animal Spirit’s changing sex and colour, she said, “The Animal Spirits are archetypes of the Animal, that is they represent the collective soul and therefore, potential of the particular Animal. They contain both male and female and use how they manifest for us as teaching tools. It’s the same for colour/appearance, it all has the potential to help us understand something of what they are teaching us”.
Thinking about my Spirit Animal changing sex made me wonder why this was happening now, I realised that I had booked myself into tantric work next week and have been doing sacred womb work and deeper chakra healing and clearing on myself.
I’ve cleared out my garden, made a fire circle w fairy lights and created a space that I can have moon circles in with friends and since I have cleared the space both in my inner garden and outer.. a bigger picture has started to form.
A few days back I got up before everyone in the house and went straight to the computer and for half the day I wrote up lesson plans for a Moon Lodge. It had everything I would want; heart opening activities, shadow work, release and repair work, I realised as I was writing them I had been instructed to do this a year before. In one journey I had I was given the beginning stages of what looked like a personal medicine wheel, some of the topics were what I mentioned above (eg release, repair), and I started to expand on these things and added in craft work to manifest the healing work.
I never before thought I could be a teacher, but now I feel something is coming up here and it’s just starting – it’s a work in progress, this is just seed work that I’m doing right now, and I’m going to build on it, but even as it is I can see that it could be something I’d be honoured and excited to do.