Building up to the mother-load…
For ever and ages I’ve had this nagging feeling that I’m forgetting something really messed up.
I would be sitting down when suddenly invasive cruel images would interrupt my thoughts, these fear-based scenarios were often in full detail, horrific and always had to do with sexual predatory acts. These acts would never involve me, but it was as though I was seeing them happening to somebody else and was feeling what the victim was going through.
It would happen when I would least expect it; waiting in the Dr’s office, filling my car with petrol or doing the laundry… these thoughts would come in suddenly and ruin my day.
Not only would I be disturbed by the images, but it was also the WHY of them, why were these images coming up? Why do they keep happening, why won’t they leave me alone, why haven’t I got any answers yet? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!!?
My Soul knew, but my brain had forgotten. It’s a protective mechanism we all have, this amnesia. We are wiped clean in every life, however some traumas stick around, and reappear, dropping hints so that the trauma can eventually be healed.
This trauma showed up in many ways, first of all with these intrusive thoughts; then, whenever I was intimate my body reacted like someone who had been abused. I would leave my body during these moments, I didn’t feel safe with whoever I was with even if was a long-term relationship. Or a man showed me any attention I would feel an overwhelming sense of nausea and disgust. These are the kind of signs my body was showing me. This feeling, this yucky, shadowy feeling stayed with me during these moments and haunted me thereafter.
Naturally when I got onto this healing path this came up again. I knew that I would eventually find out why I was feeling this way, I just never knew it would be from a past life, I had always assumed it was from this life.
I’ve been clearing blockages from my soul body and physical body daily for six years, I see a Shaman monthly and I study Shamanism through a course and practise this spiritual practise daily. I also see a Light Worker/ healer that I will describe below a few times a year, I see her less often because when you see her- you clear a lifetime worth of stuff, or lifetimes I should say.
The work I do with the Shaman is a mentoring process, we go through the medicine wheel and clear old stories that I need to let go of and no longer serve me, in this I also receive incredible insights and have built relationships with my own Spiritual Team. I’ve done incredible empowering work with both people. I’ve had several ego deaths, I’ve had several close to real deaths too and I’ve let go of so much shit that was bringing me down that it could fill several landmines. I was trapped in my own ego my whole life and it took a near death experience for me to shake it off and find my real-self and my real path.
I’ve had a fairly normal life, but have always felt this doomy, dark, heavy shit on my soul, I’ve always known it was there and I’ve always known it doesn’t have to be, this is the main thing that drew me to living a spiritual life, that and that I was using runes at the age of 12, casting protection spells, cleansing houses, reading cards, even creating my own spell book, all before I hit puberty. I was drawn to this and now that I’m older I’m more confident and don’t feel I need to hide it or hide from it.
The blockages I’ve cleared over the years finally led me to the big one, the mother-load, the one that I could hear and feel echos of a version of myself from that lifetime suffering from.
Kundalini rising and past life trauma…
I was drawn to a 3 day course (that I’m reluctant to mention the name of) that teaches students how to remove entity attachments and release past life trauma. It’s done by scanning the body and seeing objects there, once you go into detail of the impression of the object, feelings and memories will arise. I did this with a student who did very well for her first time but wasn’t prepared for what was going to come up.
I went into my past life trauma, it was ritual abuse, I was a little girl being abused in a mass ritual ceremony by a cloaked figure wearing a mask. I nearly threw up, I started seeing it, feeling it, feeling the fear and the anger I had.
It was overwhelming to say the least and I had to stay with it when all I wanted to do was run, I caught my breathe but it was too much and I burst into tears, I have never cried this way, I was sobbing and unraveling in front of a group of strangers. I felt unsafe and heard the teacher take over from the student and make every attempt to calm me down.
He helped me meet the perpetrator and forgive him, I had to face this person and find it in my heart to make peace with this, the teacher reminded me, there are no victims only volunteers, this helped me and gave me strength to keep going.
As this was happening, something else was going on in the background, my Kundalini exploded and shot up from the base of my spine all the way to my head and out from this massive trauma release. As a result my face and arms were on fire, electricity shot up and out of my cheeks and ears, I was buzzing, I was burning, I was very uncomfortable and I thought I was experiencing severe nerve damage.
The session closed and I felt unresolved, while I was crying I felt the teacher trying to calm me down and encourage me to forgive the attacker and let it go. On top of that I was in a room full of strangers and wasn’t getting the one-on-one attention this kind of trauma needed.
I don’t think getting students to open each other up like that when they are inexperienced is the best practice, I definitely needed more resolution and closure, I needed a real healer and I think this course is wonderful but will work better if the student was on a mentoring/ apprentice program for at least a year before practicing on anyone else. Instead, we were thrown in the deep end, and I felt it was irresponsible and dangerous.
While I appreciate this release, I have decided not to pursue the path that this teacher is showing people, it is too technical and abrupt, you are not allowed enough time for closure with entities and past life trauma, they are treating it the same way you would rip a bandage off, this means even though you are forced to let it go but you are also forced to deal with the repercussions of feeling open, raw and vulnerable, surely this is the opposite of how you should feel after meeting with a healer. Every time I leave my Shaman and Light worker I feel a push and pull of lighter, full of joy and readiness as well as slightly withdrawn, processing this big change, but with this session in the class I felt traumatized and suicidal.
Plus I was dealing w not understanding the physical sensation of this Kundalini rising. It felt horrible, I don’t know how I drove home, I felt suicidal for days afterwards and called my Shaman for an emergency session and my light worker healer for a session a few weeks later. Thank goodness for good healers, this is how it should be, you should feel safe and know that you are going to your healer to work on something that that it will be released and you will feel fucking fabulous afterwards.
Releasing past life trauma with a Light Worker…
I skyped my healer and after catching up we quickly got into focusing on getting my Spiritual Team in, my Higher Spirit, Spirit Guides and the ones who love me unconditionally and who are there for my highest and best. My healer called out to my Higher Spirit and couldn’t get through, so she decided to scan my body to see if there’s any blockages that is stopping this connection from happening and found two that she was getting impressions of.
First, there was a spinning spiral that was moving side to side, kind of wonky and out of kilter, she said that she is being told that something is out of whack. I said it probably explains my nausea and how I feel most of the time.
Then she went through my Chakras and noticed that from my stomach down it’s as though nothing was there, this confirmed what I was feeling, in meditations and with other healers I noticed I was numb from the stomach down. She said that she was being told that I need to reanimate that area, bring it back to life, wake it up.
The reasons for the spinning and the numb lower body was because of a past-life that had come up from the 3 day healing course I did, it was about the ritual abuse and current-life intimacy problems.
This major issue that was apparently released in the 3 day course was still around, it was making me feel completely toxic and I was surrounded in these thoughts and I knew that it wasn’t totally released bc it was done by a student.
Before I could let this go my healer said that she is being told that I didn’t want to let it go and that if I let it go for real then my HS will allow me to delve into it. This surprised me at first but I realized there was truth to it, I didn’t want to let this story go bc I wanted to know more, I wanted to rip it open and examine it. My healer explained about the Knowing, something I’ve written about in March last year here, our versions are a little different but equally important.
My healer explains – that my Higher Spirit knows what has gone on and that is enough, in other words on some level I know what happened in that life and it had been planned for me to experience that, I had to understand and experience the good and the bad. The full story is kept in the Akashic records and is there for me to study if I wish to do so at a later time, for now it is best for my growth and healing to release the story for good, to really let it go, to really let the questions go, to stop asking why. It took some serious convincing but she pursued and eventually I am happy to say that I really have let it go, I am content to not know and on some level I do now and will know in full when I want to access those records.
Once this was completed, my Higher Spirit came through, beautiful, brilliant and bright, I felt her presence and felt at ease with her close by to assist with the process. My healer described her to me and I was very relieved to hear her similar description, it doesn’t matter what work you’ve done and how much you trust, these confirmations are always welcome and validating. It was exciting that someone else could see her 🙂
She balanced my equilibrium that the spinning disk was knocking around and then focused on my stomach. She said I need to bring the energy down and to connect the Sacral and Solar Plexus chakras to each other however they want to connect, in other words, it may not be in a straight line and to follow that energy all the way into the earth.
Learning that my lower chakras weren’t functioning struck me hard, I thought I was doing ok, but I have just been working on my upper chakras. My healer said that I need to animate my whole body to wake these lower chakras up, to do this I’ve started dancing again and grounding more often then I’m used to. I’m also getting into women’s sacred sexuality circle to help focus on this missing part of myself that needs love.
We went through a grounding process, where I connected to Mama Earth, I’ve always had trouble opening up my feet chakras and found that I can never go further than a meter, so my healer did something clever that I will use daily now… She told me to focus on my root chakra and imagine the cord going down that way, then open up my feet chakras and meet the chord that’s already gone down from the root, this worked beautifully and I was able to go down and meet Mama Earth once again.
As I went down I noticed that I had transformed into a version of myself that I had met in a journey the previous day, I was my true self, my truest form, you can read about it here. I was fluttering around Mama Earth full engrossed and present in her love, like a baby with a mother, I felt her warm, kind motherly love, affection and grace. She was absolutely breathtaking, she was a giant green woman made of everything that was on earth, she flowed and flowered and waterfalls fell from her ears. I danced around her and kissed and sang to her and she said welcome back, my healer started telling me that there is a kingdom here that I am a part of and they are saying welcome back, it was called the Devic Kingdom and that my truest form was an Elemental.
My healer then brought the little girl from the past life that was the centre of the ritual abuse. She brought her in and my Higher Spirit came down life a gentle wave and kissed her head, my healer instructed me to get my HS to pick her up and hold her, the little girl was very wary at first, I had to tell make her feel safe.
My HS kissed her head again, rubbed her arms and got her to rub my HS’s arms, with each kiss on the forehead waves of love, trust, safety were downloaded into the little girls body. I saw them as electric waves of ocean and stars rippling from head to toe. The little girl looked up full of joy and tears and let my HS pick her up and rock her back and forth, play with her hair and hold her close. The little girl burst into tears, she wasn’t expecting this or these kind of emotions, she was free and my healer said that I can extend this type of release to the other children too, I did this with all the love in my heart, I was excited that this kind of blessing was possible to extend to others.
After this whole process I feel a little sore but really good, I feel alive and lighter, I danced for a full hour the next morning and felt the connection to my guides stronger then ever, I’m grateful for this whole process. Thank you to my Higher Spirit, my teachers, my guides, my healers and Mama Earth.